• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run…anywhere.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won’t wear out.
• You can eat supper at 4 p.m. and then again at 9 p.m.
• You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with elevator music.
• Your  eyes won’t get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
• Your  supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
• You can’t remember where you first saw this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

• If you must go down, please get on with it.
• Two-way finesse rule one: procrastinate.
• Count your winners and count your losers. If they add up to 14, count your cards.
• The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the bonus points.
• When in deep trouble, take a deep finesse.
• Misplay early, that way, you have more time to catch up.
• If you haven’t found the best line of play by trick 10, try divine guidance.
• To finesse is human, to win is – divine.
• If your doubles are all successful, you are not doubling enough or your tables are too close together in a duplicate game.
• The hallmark of an expert is to be wrong for the most sophisticated of reasons.
• If I ever marry a bridge player, it will be on impulse, as a man shoots himself.
• Assumption’s the mother of all blown contracts.
• It’s not the skill that drops off with age, it’s the drive, the killer instinct and when a man isn’t primed to kill he makes mistakes.
• Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster.
• South: Alert! East: Yes? South: I’m requested to further misdescribe my hand.
• The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
• We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.
• My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you pay your money to bid. My partner still thinks you need cards.
• Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.
• We play forcing hesitations.
• I’d like a review of the bidding with all the original inflections.