Mar 7 2009

Forget This

Perks of reaching 50. If you’re not there yet, you have these to look forward to:

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run…anywhere.
  • People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You can eat supper at 4 p.m. and then again at 9 p.m.
  • You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your  eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your  supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  • You can’t remember where you first saw this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Jan 28 2009

Bridge Quips

By Anonymous

  • If you must go down, please get on with it.
  • Two-way finesse rule one: procrastinate.
  • Count your winners and count your losers. If they add up to 14, count your cards.
  • The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the bonus points.
  • When in deep trouble, take a deep finesse.
  • Misplay early, that way, you have more time to catch up.
  • If you haven’t found the best line of play by trick 10, try divine guidance.
  • To finesse is human, to win is – divine.
  • If your doubles are all successful, you are not doubling enough or your tables are too close together in a duplicate game.
  • The hallmark of an expert is to be wrong for the most sophisticated of reasons.
  • If I ever marry a bridge player, it will be on impulse, as a man shoots himself.
  • Assumption’s the mother of all blown contracts.
  • It’s not the skill that drops off with age, it’s the drive, the killer instinct and when a man isn’t primed to kill he makes mistakes.
  • Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster.
  • South: Alert! East: Yes? South: I’m requested to further misdescribe my hand.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
  • We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.
  • My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you pay your money to bid. My partner still thinks you need cards.
  • Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.
  • We play forcing hesitations.
  • I’d like a review of the bidding with all the original inflections.

Oct 24 2008

Pol Dancing

No, that is not a misspelling in the headline. Sure, it would have been clearer if I had said Dancing Pols, but then the fun quotient would have been diminished. The photo needs no preamble.

Pol Dancing - Sarah and Barry cut a rug

Pol Dancing - Sarah and Barry cut a rug