Oct 4 2010


A paraprosdokian (from Greek “παρα-“, meaning “beyond” and “προσδοκία”, meaning “expectation”) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify,” I put “DOCTOR”.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Mar 7 2009

Forget This

Perks of reaching 50. If you’re not there yet, you have these to look forward to:

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run…anywhere.
  • People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You can eat supper at 4 p.m. and then again at 9 p.m.
  • You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your  eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your  supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  • You can’t remember where you first saw this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Jan 28 2009

Bridge Quips

By Anonymous

  • If you must go down, please get on with it.
  • Two-way finesse rule one: procrastinate.
  • Count your winners and count your losers. If they add up to 14, count your cards.
  • The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the bonus points.
  • When in deep trouble, take a deep finesse.
  • Misplay early, that way, you have more time to catch up.
  • If you haven’t found the best line of play by trick 10, try divine guidance.
  • To finesse is human, to win is – divine.
  • If your doubles are all successful, you are not doubling enough or your tables are too close together in a duplicate game.
  • The hallmark of an expert is to be wrong for the most sophisticated of reasons.
  • If I ever marry a bridge player, it will be on impulse, as a man shoots himself.
  • Assumption’s the mother of all blown contracts.
  • It’s not the skill that drops off with age, it’s the drive, the killer instinct and when a man isn’t primed to kill he makes mistakes.
  • Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster.
  • South: Alert! East: Yes? South: I’m requested to further misdescribe my hand.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
  • We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.
  • My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you pay your money to bid. My partner still thinks you need cards.
  • Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.
  • We play forcing hesitations.
  • I’d like a review of the bidding with all the original inflections.

Jan 25 2009

First California Assumes Deposits of 1st Centennial Bank

First California Financial Group, Inc. (NASDAQ: FCAL), parent company of First California Bank, today announced that First California Bank assumed the insured deposits of 1st Centennial Bank, the wholly-owned subsidiary of 1st Centennial Bancorp (OTCBB: FCEN), effective at the close of business today, from the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (“FDIC”) acting in its capacity as receiver of 1st Centennial Bank.

To protect depositors of 1st Centennial Bank, the FDIC entered into a purchase and assumption agreement under which First California Bank assumed all insured deposits of 1st Centennial Bank. Branches previously operated by 1st Centennial will reopen Monday morning, January 26, as part of the First California Bank franchise. 1st Centennial’s depositors will automatically become depositors of First California Bank.

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Dec 7 2008

National Geographic Doubles Bet

National Geographic’s Holiday 2008 Catalog will help you catch Gary Baker coming and going. It’s a radio controlled tarantula that crawls with real spider-like movement. Its furry texture makes it seem like the McCoy. Use the unique spider-egg remote control to send the arachnid scurrying across any smooth, flat surface. Go ahead, scare the pants off of Gary.

NatGeo Doubles Bet

NatGeo Doubles Bet

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Nov 18 2008

Will Santa Smile?

Have you been wondering about a gift for Gary Baker this Christmas? Here is a selection that will get and keep his attention.

A gift for Gary

A gift for Gary

This is from their catalog, and I must tell you that I found something I would like on every page. To see more visit Hammacher Schlemmer at

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